thought to ponder.....
I have always thought i was a mature person. but i attract immature people. and i am not attracted to mature men. so that is starting to make me think that i am not mature.
I dream of the day that i can do what ever i want. School has officially broken my spirit i think. I dont want grand things anymore. I dont really care if i go to england, india, or greece. I dont really care if i have a job i love. i dont really care if i ever have a meaningful relationship. All i want is to be able to come home at the end of the day and not have to continue working. I want to read twilight and other smut that has nothing to do with improving my mind. i want to read pride and prejudice because it my favorite book. i want to actually watch a movie when i put one in, instead of reading articles or designing interfaces, or learning code, or researching during a movie like i have been. I want to crochet. I want to be able to afford the yarn that i need to crochet. I want to go to sleep at night and not lay awake and worry about my life. or work until i am exhausted so that i dont think at all but pass out in a comma like stupor. I want to be able to call my mom and my sister and not feel guilty about blowing two hours talking on the phone. i want to call my mom and listen to what she says instead of skimming my articles for class during the phone call. I dont want to learn anymore. I dont want to live here anymore. it rains too much. which affects my mood more then what i would like. I dont want the things i wanted before. forget excellence, forget professionalism, i want mediocre, and simple. I want to grow up. Im 24 years old and i have never had a real job. at this point i dont care what it is as long as when i leave at 5, i dont have to think about it until 8 the next morning....
this is what i want....its not much, but it is what i want.
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Well, this is depressing... but i completely undersatnd what you mean. This is exactly why I've been discussing dropping it all and starting a bakery.
ReplyDeleteI am so tired of this life and feeling like it lacks quality. Honestly, working at the world market is makes me feel happier than school. I got so tired, and when i'm done there, I am done. There is no lingering studies. It doesn't haunt me every single second of the day for years of my life. I am just done.
Sometimes i really want to say fuck it all. Just get a mediocre job and settle for that. It feels more like living then doesn't it? If i go to be a professor, I'll always be busy. I'll be in school for the rest of my life. I'll not have children until I'm old. Will I get married?
I do want to travel... but then that woudl be an entirely different life than the school life. Traveling, working some where that makes you happy... that is it. Simple life. I want a simple life.